Photos Again

So, I've taken some new photos. And since having a muse is hard to come by these days I thought what better than my own shape.

I made a soft box for my Sony digital camera out of believe it or not a shoe box. Thanks Anne Klein for the well made shoe box! I'm quite proud of some of the self portrait studies. Check them out at my flickr account. I'd appreciate any thoughts.


View My Flickr Photos!

It's quiet here

It's quiet here. I can't hear any traffic outside and there is no rain tonight. My pets are no doubt nestled down warm somewhere about to take in a nap. The only drumming I hear in my ears is from my irregular heart beating. I have nothing else to say. All of my thoughts, feelings and adjectives have evaporated.


I am alone.
And I find that frightening.

Beer Festival Oct 8th.

Beer It's Good!

Which do you prefer she asked?

I know we just ran Older Lesbians #7 in this month's catalog but which one of volumes 1 thru 6 do you prefer we put in this catalog?
Hmmmm This is a tough one. I can offer no comment.

I still care about you.

Do you know what that saying really means? I'm sure its been used a million times over.
I was right when I said the inevitable. My love is gone. She had cut me out of her heart a long time ago.

I wish I had something more poetic to say. I am 2 years too late to realize how important just enjoying the air we breathe.
But you are too quick to diregard its beauty.

The biggest lesson learned... you have no control over anything except for your choices.
Fate is what you make it.

Goodbye.

"I'm Not Happy", she said.

My love for you has to be so strong. It must be because even in the face of the inevitable... even with foreshaddowing at its best I can't accept it. I guess I keep saying it over and over because I know deep down I would be torn in two. I would be completely severed from the softness and the joy and the partner that I AM in love with if I just accepted your words.

I will not, or better yet, I can not accept that. I will use my words of love and devotion to bind you, to keep you from fleeing. I know that if love isn't the reason then we are still strong even though I am naked in a crowd of people now. So confident you were in the beginning saying sweetly in my ear, "please don't hurt me". Here I am almost 2 years later fumbling with words that seem so unarmed. I'm not sure if a one woman army is enough to hold off all of your fears and determination. I'm not sure why being determined makes you so quick in disabling my defenses.

I remember nights when I would lie awake unable to sleep because the thoughts just ran through my mind. I couldn't focus during the days because I let my defeat and my disappointment in the circumstances consume my every action. Surely I am just dreaming. Surely I will awake to see it was only a nightmare. Why am I here if this is real. It has to be a test, no. Well then it has to be fate. Why else is my life so without any real meaning. And then I discovered you.

My little piece of completeness. My little piece of purpose. I see that every time you smile at me with your eyes. I have known this for a few months now. My life and my purpose is directly involved with you and your life. Together I feel that we have found reasons for all the pain and all the blah in life. All the unhappiness in the world can crash around me but I know that you are right there next to me when I can't take it and when I can't understand it. That to me is worth every "I love you" and every "I miss you".

This kind of love dosen't come along twice in one lifetime.

Second Chances

Do you believe in getting a second chance? Did fate at one time say well, take this white pill and you will not have to deal with anything you were given or take this blue and white pill and wake up 48 hours later with a killer headache, a stiff body and a groggy sence of where you are. I believe I must have taken the blue and white pill. Well,12 blue and white pills to be exact. That was nearly 10 years ago. I'm not sure why the will of fate presented me with the option for a second chance. I can say that I don't think I will be given the option another time. From that moment til now, I've always felt as if I'm in the wrong place. I'm not supposed to be here. This life, its not mine. I don't know where I'm supposed to be or who. Maybe I'm really supposed to be a "rock star" or a modern day version of one. Every live music event I go to, I get the sense that that could be me. It feels so comfortable so much like home. That's my life, that girl up there on the stage. Possibly, I think as I'm sitting next to the newest, hottest sports car in traffic, that's supposed to be my car. I'm really the young doctor that has a hot little wife and takes vacations 3 times a year all over the country. This life, my life, the one I'm stuck with... well it just doesn't feel right. Surely there was something more planned for me. I am so much the thinker, the feeler. I can be the world's most objective person while passing judgement on others. I have a strong sense of reality, morality and common sense. My word is like stone that can stand the test of time and all nature's elements. My heart is a bucket of rainwater that never dries up. So maybe the second chance was a mistake. Maybe the feeling I have constantly of being in the wrong place, of living a life that isn't mine is true. Maybe I was supposed to take the white pills. My fate is awful with explainations. I am regretful.